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Wednesday, March 5, 2003

04:12 p.m.

Is it right to throw away a friend because of an unhealthy, unrequited crush that can’t ever be returned and because of some stupid petty jealousy that burns inside? It sadness me how people don’t even realize that they do it, but it also makes me happy to get rid of such type of people in my life. And today when I had the last bit of it reaffirmed, I feel serenity, because I am glad to have such untrustworthy people not matter any more to me.

“Expect sudden clarity and vow now to avoid hubris. Any hair problems could be caused by denial. You know how that grandiose crowning glory of yours reacts to mental and emotional realities”

I don’t like horoscopes, even though I don’t buy it, it still irks me somewhat because we can always find bits of true in the most general of statements.

Oh, how I keep telling my self that the similarities are all in my head and oh, how I want it to not be true, but I think it is and if I am right, I have accepted it, and I will deal with it and learn from it and define my own existence through it, as I am only human. Yet a part of me wants to be proven wrong so stalwartly, as always the optimistic toddler in me is battling the everlasting pessimist while I idle watch them unable to make decisions just yet, because that would be letting one of them win, either way. But for now let me sit under my wet - blanket and stare at the glass ceiling I have drawn into the picture for my own safety and sanity

And the sensation of falling upwards is ever present and gnawing at me, because lets face it, crashing down is more secure than flying up into the unknown.

Today is such a beautiful day I just wanted to lie outside at the mall and read all day, but instead I set up SDS stuff, did an incredible amount of homework and am now at work. Wish was outside; wish it were late spring when the world is gracious and tepid.

Spring is the time for calm and solitude and warm grass and tame rain. I can’t wait till spring is here.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Sunday, March 2, 2003

12:34 p.m.

Oh, the body language and the little words and the looks, the looks that are so important in those few deciding months. So unique human mating dance is. And such infinite is the desire to please.

3 computers to play with, successfully did something icky to Aptiva so now using Jason’s old computer (which is better than the old girl was) wish new shiny one would work. Will kick it if it doesn’t after XP is reinstalled. And destroy Bill Gates, he is the only one I am mad at for it. No one else - I promise you. (sarcasm-free and all)

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Sunday, March 2, 2003

01:24 a.m.

I think too much, and I am tired, thankfully tired enough that I am not forming coherent thoughts, thus tonight, the world is safe from my rants, cryptic messages and head-space

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Saturday, March 1, 2003

10:53 a.m.

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that’s not what ships are for.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Friday, February 28, 2003

10:20 p.m.

First off, I have a fan site, really, my friend Merle made one for me. It's strange as hell, of cause, it's me, so it should be – and, it’s made by Merle, so it’s bound to be one of the strangest things I have ever seen. It seems to be the tribute to things I have said over the course of last semester, and some random things he thinks I could have said, basically, it all just started out as a big joke in an 8 am BCHM I class, but it seems to have propagated into a real project. I am very flattered. How many people can say someone made a web page in his or her honor? well, except famous people, and people of general achievement… You can find it by clicking here. The pics will probably be added soon enough

The things bothering me are dying down because of some wonderfully bestest people that make me smile even before I head over to work, who get lots of gold stars on their chart. And of cause I have to do my bit and be less hypocritical and overly sensitive as well, I know my own way of dealing with things isn't necessarily the best way either, so it needs to be all, equilibrated, and it’s making me happy that a) I am listened to, b) I feel comfortable to talk about it directly to the involved party rather than stew, makes a lot of the worries go away.

I got my SDS stuff set up today, so I am actually kind of nervous on how the data will turn out, I hope that 2 semesters worth of research are not going to go down the drain, though I am prepared to face it if the are.

Court drove me home, AGAIN, today, god I love that girl, and her ex roommate Adam came along so we all went out to a nice dinner at a Chinese place and drank tons of tea cause we are poor and talked. The Briksgeler (sp?) thing didn’t work out, cause well, I couldn’t go cause I work early, Court didn’t know if she wanted to go out that late, and Adam was very tired, and other people were too, though I don’t know them, so I am not sure why they didn’t go. We kind of just went and had a quite evening without 100 flavors of beer. But it was really fun cause I was just so sick of school and snow and work, it was a nice diversion. Though this whole week has been a nice diversion, but there was also hard-core studying done. The more I study, the more I need me-fun time, cause I think if I just did school and work all the time I would go nuts, I did that before, and I did go nuts, so right now I am trying to achieve a nice balance between people and homework. Though those who know me know I would NEVER miss a class (perfect attendance basically 3 semesters in a row – except the sniper thing and the fever of 102 thing). Nor would I ever turn in a late assignment, having too much of a life will definitely cut into the sleep schedule, so I am trying to still not do too many things, I should have spring break off work due to shitty hours the library will be open, so I can get my relaxation there.

I am so excited my computer is here!!! And I get to put it together! (unless Steve looses self-control – which I doubt he will, he has better self-control than most people I met…) I am so excited, I love my Aptiva, and it is my second computer, first one that was fast enough to connect to the net (the one I had before was basically a word processor with a Dot-Matrix printer, built out of scraps and was eh..1986 year of making?) So this was the first computer I bought, it was 800$ at Best Buy and top of the line for that price in 1999, and now it’s old and slow. Though I am not parting with it, merely retiring it to my mom’s room. She needs to learn PCs better, it’s amazing, she knows FORTRAN (sp) and mainframes and all this other crap, but no PCs, she left the field as PCs entered, so her knowledge is almost obsolete. She can write code for a mainframe machine, but can’t copy and paste and I know she gets emberrased at work a lot about it. So she can practice on this one and learn basic word and the net better. On that note, I should head to bed; cause unfortunately, the library requests my presence tomorrow, nice and early. Evil bastards, at least they pay me, though I think I need to move on and find a job that will pay me more for the things I can do. I think 4th year in college I can do better. But it pays the bills for now, and it’s fun to meet people that way.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

10:09 p.m.

I am going insane, slowly but surely, and the cause of it all? The cause of all my neurosises, my obsessivness, my insecurities and everything else fucked up in my life? What does it stem from?

HERE, being HERE, IN FUCKING ROCKVILLE, WITH MY FAMILY! I now remember why I signed my first lease on my 18th birthday! I thought I could handle it, I thought I could handle being back home cause I dealt with it in the summers, NO NO NO NO NO!!! FUCK NO! And you know what? It’s nothing my mother does, she stays out of my life, it’s nothing wrong with my house, it’s the fact that I realized why I was so fucking miserable in high school, why I tried the drugs and hooked up with guys and drank and basically lived like a fucking Sid and Nancy want to be. I GO INSANE! I need my freedom back! And no, my mother never imposed on in, and you know, people who never lived on their own can’t fucking relate!!!! But it’s just…being at home makes you feel like you are 10 years old even if you are 21 and 20 000$ of college loans in debt. It just that, I am used to people around me, I am used to hanging out with my roommate, Krissy! I miss you!, and I am used to having all my friends near by. I used to crave my space cause I was always around people, and now I feel like I am a little kid again, cause I am in FUCKING Rockville, without a car. I spent all night looking at apartments rather than studying, the problem is, I am not sure I can afford it, I need to know how much Fin. Aid. I will get and I won’t know that till late in April. I will seriously rather live in box than live at home one more day. And now, I am not fighting with my mom, everything is fine and dandy, it’s just I am so bored that I think I create drama and problems and crap out of nothing just to keep my self occupied. I consider my self a very multidimensional person, but excuse me, how much studying I can do, how many books can I read and how much can I chat on AIM before I am going out of my mind. And you know, going to the gym alone in my building is boring too. I miss 3 am Wawa runs and crazy passed-out drunkenness and people I never met coming over and passing out in my house. I miss college life, moving back home was the dumbest decision I ever made. I spent 2 hrs on the phone with Jess, who is in AZ, and who is basically stuck at home looking for a job and she is like “Man, you got some permanent cabin fever if I ever saw one”. I am seriously slowly going insane with all my social interactions being limited to the weekends and the commute of 1.5 hrs. And I keep trying to find other reasons why I have been so not feeling like my self past few months. Now I know that if I don’t move out for next year, I will go insane. I never thought I’d miss CP this much. But until I am back there, someone please kill me!!!

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Wednesday, February 26, 2003

06:22 p.m.

First off, I did something today that I swore I was never going to do, I helped my friend with physics and he said I was good and everything. I feel so dirty now.

Secondly, 80/84 on my physics homework, YEAH BABY!

After the conversation I had with Nick yesterday I had a dream that I kept killing people and hiding them in the snow. I must be very fucked up, but I woke up feeling guilty about not feeling guilty in the dream. But this is what I get after spending time discussing hypothetically how easy it could be to get rid of bodies. I love the conversations I have with my friends

BCHM exam was moved!!!! joy of joys, happiness of happiness.
So after a very amusing review section I ran into Courtney, and we went to Chipotle and she gave me a ride home. She is my hero.

On a personal note, I don’t like what is creeping up in my head. I need stop it. It’s not fair to anyone involved, and I knew it was going to be it, so it’s really my fault.

I wish my friends would not volonteer their opinions, I am confused enough as is without extra commentaries, better if no one knows what is in your head.

Again, head clearing, don’t want people making assumptions or guesses on what this is about.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Tuesday, February 25, 2003

08:44 p.m.


Now, sadly, I must return to my scholarly persuasion of the biochemical kind. I wish, I wish it would snow so there would be no school Thursday. I would be so very happy though missing lab second week in a row makes me wonder on just how fucked our AP is going to be.

Nick, you rocked as usual, thanks for everything!!!!!

I also got a bunch of books for my reaserch paper and I am kind of excited cause I like my topic and I get to read fancy articles from FEM and Neuroscience.

In Chem 395, we had a speaker come from the patent office, (where my mother works) so it was extra boring, and once he proceeded to insult patent clerks (which is what my mom does) I got so annoyed I left, OK, I was going to leave anyways cause it’s a useless class, but this just made me not feel bad about it.

Everyone congratulate Steve, who has faced his fear and ordered Chinese food. I think we should all have a moment of silence in his honor.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Monday, February 24, 2003

10:33 p.m.

I am super productive this week, I rock my world damn it!!!!!

I got most of BCHM done so I can stop freaking about this test, and I got a lot of physics done so I am much less worried about the exam, and I must say, best part of studying physics is when I get to hang out with Nick cause he makes it more bearable and he is more competent than most TAs I ever had.

I FINALLY after idly waiting for 2 hrs got to talk to Dr.Walker about my results and now I have to do an SDS trial and see if the 18-c-6 is still itself cause it is so hydrated and kind of old we are not sure that the numbers we are getting are valid.

I also got to hang out with Courtney all night which was awesome cause we haven’t seen each other in a bit and we are going to have a “date” soon once we can make our schedule compatible.

I should really be in bed now, I am exhausted, but I am also hyper-thinking from cram-work power so I keep thinking about electrons and NADPHs and such crap and getting bouncy and also the sleep-dep brings out the abstract thoughts that I normally don’t pay attention to or don’t bother with unless I am actually talking about it with someone.

I was thinking of the concept of personal space, probably due to discussion I happened to have had about it Saturday.

And I know people keep asking me about something being cryptic or personal, and I ususally say if it is. In this case, this is JUST what it is, random "I am tired but not ready to go to bed" abstract brain usuage in order to get stupid evil pathways out of my head, for now....

People are interesting about their space, they want it but often they have a funny way of showing it. Like hiding and avoiding and playing games. And then they get older and they mature and they learn that it’s unfair to the other person, so they learn to say “hey, I need to be alone, lets talk later” and then, everything is fine and dandy and everyone is happy, except they later meet someone insecure, someone who gets upset when they are told to back away a bit, and the first person gets scared that they hurt people with their bluntness and go back to the passive aggressive games. And the cycle begins again.

I personally always hated those games. Just like I hate the phone games of the “I called you this many times, and you call me once less” and as much as I hate the “ I know you are fucking him/her or your –friends-come first, or your-drugs-come first or your computer-comes first” games. And what makes me such an expert?

Well, preaching and doing are different, and I am guilty of doing many of those in the past and probably still now without realizing it – because logic and emotions work in different quadrants a lot of the time.

You never realize how much it can annoy the other person until someone does it to you. And man, you REALLY learn your lesson, cause not only do you get annoyed and confused, BUT, you get mad hypocrisy points. I just wish people were honest with each other all the time cause life would just be so much simpler. I think my main problem is I don’t play enough games or at least I never played them the right “girly” way, I just subscribe to a lot of magazines and my box is full of issues. Yeah, I am analyzing crap and I know you, my faithful readers, (this is great! I have regular readers as I found out!) are very amused cause I am just a C-average sociologist in disguise, but it’s just neat to observe our own behavior trends that are so distinct and not at all unique by the most part from person to person, and it just reinforces the fact that we are just mammals. Very smart and hairless kind that have fun having sex, but we still have predictable behaviors and similar drives.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Sunday, February 23, 2003

11:53 p.m.

I am getting a new computer! I am getting a new computer! All cause some people just rock off the charts like that!

I got lots and lots of work done, I am very happy right now. Once I finish going over 4 more lectures I will be good as new. :-)

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Sunday, February 23, 2003

09:03 p.m.

I think this poem describes life better than any philosopher ever could. Children's books are like that...

Oh, the Places You'll Go!

Today is your day.
You're off to Great Places!
You're off and away!

You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You're on your own.  And you know what you know.
And YOU  are the guy who'll decide where to go.

You'll look up and down streets.  Look 'em over with care.
About some you will say, "I don't choose to go there."
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street.

And you may not find any
you'll want to go down.
In that case, of course, 
you'll head straight out of town.

It's opener there
in the wide open air.

Out there things can happen
and frequently do
to people as brainy
and footsy as you.

And when things start to happen,
don't worry.  Don't stew.
Just go right along.
You'll  start happening too.


You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
and Hang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself 
is not easily done.

You will come to a place where the streets are not marked.
Some windows are lighted.  But mostly they're darked.
A place you could sprain both you elbow and chin!
Do you dare to stay out?  Do you dare to go in?
How much can you lose? How much can you win?

And IF  you go in, should you turn left or right...
or right-and-three-quarters? Or, maybe, not quite?
Or go around back and sneak in from behind?
Simple it's not, I'm afraid you will find,
for a mind-maker-upper to make up his mind.

You can get so confused
that you'll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
												The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a  train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.

That's not for you!

Somehow you'll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You'll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.

With banner flip-flapping,
once more you'll ride high!
Ready for anything under the sky.
Ready because you're that kind of a guy!

Oh, the places you'll go! There is fun to be done!
There are points to be scored.  there are games to be won.
And the magical things you can do with that ball
will make you the winning-est winner of all.
Fame!  You'll be famous as famous can be,
with the whole wide world watching you win on TV.

Except when they don't.
Because, sometimes, they won't.

I'm afraid that some  times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All  Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a lot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you won't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul
On you will go
though your enemies prowl
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl
Onward up many
a frightening creek, 
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike
and I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course, 
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never  mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3 / 4 percent guaranteed.)


be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O'Shea,
you're off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So...get on your way!

---Dr. Seuss

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Sunday, February 23, 2003

12:43 p.m.

Thought of the week:

The worst thing anyone can do for their self esteem is sit around and do nothing and wonder if you are good enough, pretty enough etc. If you get off your ass, put a good hour or two at the gym, don't eat crap, read a good book, study and hang out with you friends, you won't wonder that because you are doing everything to be good looking and you take care of your self, and you read and study things you like, so you know you find your own self intresting, so instead of sitting on the couch watching crap on TV you know : I am this way and am doing everything I do so I can stay happy, and if someone doesn't like me this way, thats their problem. Idle self loathing is the worst thing people can do.

Yeah yeah, I know what you are all thinking, but just cause it's cliche doesn't make it any less true.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Sunday, February 23, 2003

01:51 a.m.

I see the delta traces living lonely out on the limb.
And a passing glimmer warm beneath your skin
Please tread gently on the ground when all around you earth turns to fire.
Only get a second chance when danger's on the wind.
from "Lonely in your Nightmare" Duran Duran

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Saturday, February 22, 2003

11:17 a.m.

I got the last of my delta Gs!!!! And they are consistent with each other and everything and that makes me happy except that the girl that worked with the systems before got very different number and I am not sure which one of us is right. Ahhh, the time for writing is coming closer and having seen Bill’s, Okan’s and now Carmen’s work I am very scared. I am not sure I even have the vocabulary to write something this sophisticated. And I am also feeling kind of sentimental leaving behind my 18-6 molecules. After all, 3 years is the longest relationship I ever had with anybody.

I am reading the best book I read in a long time The Metamorphosis of Prime Intellect you can read it by clicking on the name. Thank Steve for finding it. For those who know and share my very peculiar taste in books – it’s like “Snowcrash” meets “The Meatmarket” meets Bulgakov meets “The Exquisite Corpse” (thought having a severe distaste for Poppy Z Brite I hesitate to compare the two except for some scene descriptions), I am pleased. Those who read it will be spares when the revolution comes. And now I have something to keep me occupied at work. Which is also very, very good.

I should be studying right now but I am so cold it’s hard to think straight. I wish my pants would dry up already. If I weren’t freezing my ass off (literally) I would be very content with my book and the fact that there are no people here to disturb me while I read it.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Saturday, February 22, 2003

10:58 a.m.

WARNING: May contain rageahol


Ok, I figured the raging had to be posted separately.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

07:58 p.m.

I hate not having school, there, I’ve said it. I spent all day Monday cleaning; I spent all day today doing physics, and now no school again tomorrow? All my shoes are wet from periodically wondering out to get rid of cabin fever. But for someone like me that’s always taking classes and working all the time, all this free time kills me. I have nothing to say to people I talk to cause nothing happens, and I have nothing to come up with as an activity cause I’ve already done everything there is to do around here with the road conditions the way they are. CABIN FEVER! AHHH! I MISS CLASS, AND I MISS MY LAB! AND I HAVE SO MUCH WORK TO DO THERE! AND I MISS PEOPLE!

I have been trying to lure kind souls out to drive to Rockville all day long, but I don’t want my friends to all die in horrible, icy car crashes

On the subject of friends – some people should keep their drama to them selves, I have plenty of my own to deal with. And frankly, I am not going to take blame for people’s own insecurities and issues. See above. I have plenty of my own as well. I have tried my best to talk. I have plenty of my own insecurities and problems and crap to deal with, but I have more respect and sensitivity than to blame my friends for it. It sucks to lose a special bond with anyone, especially good friends, but I will not loose my self respect and my values in order keep you in my life, I am a stronger person than that.

Am I pretending it doesn’t hurt me that you won’t even talk to me? It does, but you need to deal with it, not I, I didn’t do anything wrong and there is only so far I will bend just because I value knowing you. And don’t worry, no one you know except people I would confide about this anyways, reads this, and no one except them knows who you are. Your drama is safe. People will occationaly bitch that I share too much here without realizing that it’s only them and maybe a person or two I probably talked about this already, who reads this crap, and no one else knows enough about my life to figure out any of this means, this is my head space - let it be.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Tuesday, February 18, 2003

11:23 a.m.

Why do I view most things other people see as good as bad? What is wrong with me? Am I really that much of a coward? I guess so.

I am going to finish physics now. Evil physics, full of evil rules. But at least it has rules it follows and doesn't scare me with it's free-flowing course.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Monday, February 17, 2003

10:47 p.m.

One of my friends is furious at another one of my friends, and I am not sure how to handle the situation cause they are both talking to me about it and I refuse to take sides (though really I already have). The problem is, he has every right to be mad at what she did, but, I wasn’t there, didn’t know about it happening until he told me 3 days later, and have no business getting involved into their friendship, but both of them are confining in me and it’s driving me insane.

My mother is also driving me mad and I am not used to this home deal, still, I need to start looking for a place next to campus, I am so fucking tired of this. It was a dumb idea, I am going to start hunting for an apartment in a few months.

I talked on the phone in the last few days more than I have all month. As Steve pointed out, quite rightly, we called each other to make sure we are still fine sitting still, me and John talked I think 5 times last night and twice today, me and Sana been calling each other non stop and me and Svetlana are playing phone tag all night. Everyone is making sure everyone else is just as miserable being snowed in. Like you are going to call someone and they will say “Snowed in? I am out sunbathing, I don’t know what snow you are talking about”

I don’t want snow any more! I want to go out and see people, not mounts of white goo. Yeah, yeah, pervert alert.

I actually wish we had school tomorrow, I am tired of sitting at home, I am tired of the most exciting thing of my day being that I went to the gym and I took a shower, I am tired of brain fog and the phone and the computer and playing in the snow got old really fast. I actually LIKE my BCHM II lectures even though it’s at 8 am, it’s my most interesting class, and I want to go get my damn measurements in lab damn it before my solutions evaporate. And I want to have something interesting to tell people about my day rather than the 30 min discussion about Michael Jackson I am having right now. (no offence)

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Sunday, February 16, 2003

11:00 a.m.

Today I read how certain amount of emotional coldness is considered a higher evolved autism, and another that overly high emotions are a sign of OCD. Which is why I think psychiatry is such an iffy field. Because it’s not like the hard sciences where you can quantify how things happen and draw conclusions based on available data. Here, a bunch of people just decide what is the norm and if you happen to fall outside of it, you have a problem. But who is to say what is this norm? Not so long ago, it was considered a sign of hysteria when a woman orgasmed, and now we have a whole industry developed to encourage this “hysteria” so I am wondering, what kind of fucking evidence does anyone have to declare people who are in control as autistic, people who are passionate, as OCD, people who are moody as manic. I had my own brush with badly practiced and it’s crappy antics when I went to see that quack on campus . But I mean, look who becomes doctors, most pre-meds I know are dumb as a doorknob, only in it because their parents want them to be doctors. Having tutored a few of them in chemistry, I wonder how the HELL do those people ever pass med school?

Now, I can respect psychology, simply because I think if you have a knack for talking to people and making them feel better, go for it.

Now I do, with a passion, believe that there are a lot of things, varying from drug addiction to clinical depression that are effected by the biochemistry. I mean, how could I , of all people, dispute that if I want to study the subject my whole life. But… I’ve heard people talk about women being sexually comfortable as being a sign of a mental disorder. Men not being able to have sex when upset a sign of impotence. Inability to concentrate in one boring class being called ADD. And again, I must stress, those disorders ARE true and do exist. But why is it in America, they get assigned to every human response that does not fit into majority rule? Who the hell claimed we are all the same?

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Sunday, February 16, 2003

03:14 a.m.

Thank you for talking to me tonight, and making me laugh despite all the things that came up, it’s the very fact that you are able to laugh at me and still hug me afterwards that makes me realize more and more how stupid and old the subscription to this magazine is, I’ve cancelled it, but the last few issues were already paid for. Thank you, I admire and appreciate that you did and do that, probably more than I can ever explain, like you can appreciate what I didn’t let you do, and I won’t let you do – I promise you that.

Now new topic unrelated to the cryptic messages brought to you by Susie’s head. I am worried about my friend, something really bad happened and now I can’t get a hold of her, which is odd cause she always has her phone on, and she isn’t someone who leaves frantic messages. Ever, in the 7 years I have known her.

Before I forget, since I promised to make it blog worthy, things not to do when it’s freezing out, buy condoms, get naked, get into bed, get ready and realize the condoms are left in the car, in the freezing rain, outside. How is that for romance?

But hell, if you can get over that, the other things that won’t be mentioned here, and still end up having an hell of a great fucken time, man, you BOTH do deserve to wear a McGyver shirt.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Saturday, February 14, 2004

11:51 a.m.

I am sitting here bored as hell waiting for the 18-6 to dissolve. 1 M for something that’s bulky and has hydrocarbon properties and a fw. of about 240 g/mol takes a LONG time. Though as I learned in the past even simply NaCl, when trying to make it saturated, takes a looong as time to make. Except I can’t do anything or leave further than the buildings cause I want to set up my interface and let it equilibrate before I leave to go to the bank, and take measurements before I go to class.

My lab book is missing, which is really bothering me cause I KNOW I left it on my desk Friday, but the problem is so many people come by and use the computer and the optics equipment that maybe someone decided to steal my oh-so-exciting research. Just kidding, I am however; still very perplexed where it went cause it has all my numbers in it. I will check at home, however, there is no reason for it to be there.

I also fell on my ass today and now I hurt, grrr... I fell on thesame arm I hurt when I fell off the skateboard so its extra extra painful. Stupid black ice, stupid road, stupid shoes with no tracking. Proves my point, friction and physics have never done anything for me.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

05:50 p.m.

Its odd how people you least expect to give the best advice.

Work is boring, boooooooring…..BORING! Though apparently I am getting pizza brought to me later ^grin^

I am not writing the stupid cover letter yet; it will take me what, 20 min to do? But I am just kind of brain dead at the moment. I think my IQ has dropped this week, probably from the chronic lack of sleep I seemed to have developed. I am waking up at - 12:45 am, 3:14 am, and 5:49 am… Like FUCKEN CLOCKWORK! No matter what I do or don’t do before going to bed, I wake up at those times. I think god thought it would be funny to reset my internal clock like that. Oh maybe my IQ dropped like in that Sienfield episode. Where Elaine wasn’t having sex and she got dumber. Maybe that’s what is happing to me.

I GET TO SEE MARK TODAY! AND I GET TO HUG MARK! YAY MARK! He is going to walk me to the bus stop cause it’s dark and scary and he is big and manly!!!

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

09:46 p.m.

Taking a break from writing by doing ---surprise surprise- writing… Between a seminar, a technical writing course, 2 labs and a physics class that bases it’s homework on line I am really beginning to hate the computer. I spent all night last night and about 5 hours today working on my computer, all I want to do is stop sitting here but I don’t want to go running again cause I will be wired all night. So I am just taking a break writing something that doesn’t involve using 5 textbooks and a thesaurus. I am seriously going to smash my monitor by the end of the semester cause I think I will be spending a whole lot of time here. I can’t even sit still for this long normally, fuck Eng 393, fuck labs and fuck your TV while you are at it, simply cause if once in a blue moon you DO turn it on it’s got nothing but crappy reality shows.

Personally, I rather work on problem sets and reading, but UMCP gods have planned different. Perhaps now I am going to take a break by reading my physics book. Oh god…. The horror of that statement.

I really need to stop writing about school; people may think I have no life… Oh wait, I don’t as of Jan. 28.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Tuesday, February 11, 2003

06:17 p.m.

First of all, may I just say…. My Chem 395 is the most USELESS class in the world. Thankfully while in it I managed to… Finally find Steve’s lab, hang out with Jen and hang out with Stephan, stalk Nick, and still be back in time to pretend I was there. What do you expect… Pass/Fail one credit seminar on writing resumes that we HAVE to take in order to graduate.

Now may I just say that I never miss class, hell, I took a math exam with a fever of 102 last semester (91% BABY!), but I genuinely think this one is useless waste of time considering its same info that we do in 393.

It was so nice today I actually got to go running outside, it beats the gym cause the scenery is better and I feel like I am going somewhere rather than towards a row of buttons.

I spend a while today talking to Stephan about people. How him and me are very different from most and that’s why we get hurt. Perhaps it’s cause I just expect people to act towards me like I would act towards them. And most people don’t, because apparently I think quite differently from the majority. And when I want some sort of actions I won’t get them cause chances are only the personality type that is someone like me or Stephan will actually catch on and figure out what in my eyes is the “nice” way to act in an instance.

Why do I care so much about how other people treat me? I wouldn’t say I do. Some people only, and some people more than others because I may respect them, or think they are interesting, or simply not understand why they may not like me or behave in a certain way. The very obsessive thing that we are both guilty of is overanalyzing the actions of people we know, and normally it makes us feel bad at the end because its usually not something a lot of people would even notice. Would I say it stems from insecurity? I don’t know. I think I can be pretty insecure in some aspects because I spent such a large part of my childhood by my self that it is sometimes still hard for me to relate to other people or see their point of view.

Yet, on the same note, I don’t really care that much about other’s opinions of me, just their actions, and sometimes their actions hurt so much even if it’s just a little thing. But it’s the little things that people build on, and without the little things people are nothing because quite often, you are judged more on how you sit at a desk than your ideas about world peace. I think I should however learn to let the little things go because I simply just shouldn’t care so much. I hate it when my logic punches my emotions like that. Grrr.

OOOOOOOO! BEFORE I FORGET I have to thank Jason a whole bunches for sending me all my old digital pictures cause I don’t have them on this hard drive. THANK YOU! I now have pictures again J Recent ones!

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Monday, February 10, 2003

10:16 p.m.

Talking to Stephan tonight:
Stephar8: i sleep
Stephar8: u go sleep too
Mermilik: love ya!
Stephar8: night night
Mermilik: i will in a sex
Mermilik: haha
Stephar8: love u 2
Mermilik: shit
Mermilik: that was a slip
Mermilik: sex = sec

Thank you ladies and gents, I am here every night.

All work no play make Susie SOMETHING SOMETHING!

Silly Susie thought she could study, finish at a reasonable time and actually clean up her room and do non-school things.

No no no… THAT would be if I had a humane major. You know, they call them “Humanities” cause they treat their followers with respect. Not like the hard sciences. Fucken Nazis of the disciples. Now am going to stay up reading anything that doesn’t involve proteins otherwise I will be having nightmares.

On a happier note, I got someone to cover part of my shift on the 14th so I am off at 6 instead of 8 and everyone else doesn’t have to wait for me!

Now to the part of the blog no one should bother reading cause it's just some head clearing I need to do and will not make sence to anyone.

My brain has kind of fogged over and all day I feel like I am standing in one place and the world is passing me by. Sometimes life is full of moments that are worth freezing in time, like the way the snow-flakes felt on my lashes this morning, or the way hands get frozen by gusts of wind and how good it feels to warm them up. And the way my T-shirt brushed against my skin while I tried to nap this afternoon - knowing it was freezing out and I was safe and warm in bed. Moments that probably only few will take time to notice.

I saw a black crow in the snow today, and it was so beautiful I started to draft a painting until I realized that I haven't painted in so long that I may perverse this image I have stored in my mind by my crude strokesbecause my hands are no longer used to the tools but to sterile gloves and pyroxed glass. I feel like tonight I am frozen in a vernisage of these sensations and these images that seemed to buffer all those thought that crawl into my head when I am laying awake in the dark. Things that I refuse to think about just yet.

On another note yet again,
I need to figure out how to archive this blog, it's starting to take too long to load.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Sunday, February 9, 2003

08:23 p.m.

Let it be know to the world that I DO NOT like writing prelabs or any other of that chemistry mambo jumbo. When I go into a lab - I don’t fucken write a pre-lab! Now I am going to keep procrastinating and type a line an hour while updating my Bog of Procrastination (thus the title) every 10 min. Gah!

Are people STILL reading this crap? Amazing.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Sunday, February 9, 2003

05:36 p.m.

I am FURIOUS!!!!

At who, you may ask?
My self.
Because only a scatterbrain like me would put her credit card bill (due on the 10th) into the envelope it came in, so MY address instead of THEIR address showed. And to get it back today and realize that a) I wasted a stamp, b) My payment will now be late c) I apparently have an IQ slightly bigger than my shoe size.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Sunday, February 9, 2003

12:18 a.m.

All the wrong things, they feel so good! Now I know how a Catholic feels!

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Saturday, February 8, 2003

01:01 p.m.

All this stuff irrelevant to any of things in my life people are aware of is in my head right now and I have no one to talk to about it because its something I will have to face on my on. Life has gotten so rough this last year, I should just become a dirty hippie and replace real life concerns with saving the stupid whales.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Friday, February 7, 2003

08:37 a.m.

I need to sleep more damn it. No school and I am stil out of bed at 8 am, WTF?.

On another note, breathing biochem. is not so bad when it smells like Dove, though that was not what I had in mind when I wrote the last blog when I said “breathing biochem…”

Snow is so pretty, I think I will go out and wonder in it for the best half of the day and later go swimming and hit the gym and cook dinner and go to sleep at a reasnoble time and read my non school books. You know, all the things I only dream of doing when I have school and work. But if I wasn't so damn busy I would not appreciate the little things and the little time off so much. So I am still happiest this way.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Thursday, February 6, 2003

05:55 p.m.

Song of the moment

Recollect me darling raise me to your lips
Two undernourished egos four rotating hips
Hold on to me tightly I'm a sliding scale
Can't endure then you can inhale
Out of body experience interferes
And dreams of flying I fit nearly
Surrounds me though I get lonely

Massive Attack “Inertia Creeps”

First biochemistry lab down, it’s so crappy simply because I am so tired of tried out old labs that I have done in all my classes already. Today in biochem. II we went into great detail into photosynthesis. It is so immensely interesting and I wish I had biochem. every day instead of physics or English or all this other fucking crap I have to take. I can’t wait till we get into more detail about the electron chains. It is almost embarrassing to admit how much I am amazing and entranced and in love with actually learning this stuff. I love that lecture. I don’t even care that it’s at 8 am cause it’s the only class right now that makes it all worth while.

I am really wondering what I want to do now. I still like endocrinology and the biochemistry of that fascinates me in great detail, however, I am really liking all the stuff about thermodynamics of biochemical reactions and the processes have me entranced. Sometimes I just don’t think I am smart enough to cut it, smart enough to actually discover something that will make a difference. And I am also fascinated and awfully confused on some parts that we have been doing. Must live and breathe biochem. for the next few…

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Wednesday, February 5, 2003

08:20 p.m.

Sitting at EPSL and waiting for Ms.Courtney to get off work so we can partake in coffee and homegoing. Finished English homework, did half of physics, did stuff for BCHM lab, bought a bikini to wear to class upon Steve's request (there, you are famous again, you little glory hogger you!), you know, the ususal.

Feeling productive and hoping to get a good night sleep tonight.

Totally off subject: Mike - GOD of backrubs, now I want to marry him and have a platonic backrubing orgy every night.

. This random book was returned to the library today called "Silent Springs" so I checked it out. I love picking up random books from other libraries people bring back, cause you never know what you are going to end up with, its fun stuff.

The description sais it's a book about mass war-fare that is being waged today indiscriminately against incests, weeds and fungi - how could I not pick it up?

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Monday, February 3, 2003

08:38 p.m.

I really liked this site I came upon today when I was looking up stuff about vitamin A. It's rather intresting how the body craves what it needs, and being that the only thing I could stomach last three days is milk, I found it particulary cool, you can find it here

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Saturday, February 1, 2003

02:47 p.m.

Wish I could eat or sleep! I do indeed need both for living. Stupid doctor lied to me. Mild side-effects my ass! Wear off soon my ass!

This is exactly why I don’t like medicine for most things and rather let them pass on their own. Stupid biochemists keep inventing drugs. Oh wait… Man, when I am Vice President of all Biochemists I will only invent good drugs that make you see pretty pictures and feel happy. Oh wait, it has been done.

And yes, it’s not a typo, I did mean vice president, cause being president makes you the butt of more jokes, (look at Bush). So I want to be Vice President, the man behind the man.

I am still so awfully upset about Friday, I know it’s not a big deal and I shouldn’t be so freaked up by it but it just seems like it proved my worst fear true and there is nothing worse than that.

I am inclined not to trust this guy a 100% because I just wasn’t convinced by some of his arguments. However, I have no reason not to trust Stephan’s recommendation, and so I am giving it another shot.

I have also been notified I am spelling Stephan’s name wrong, but such is life since I need to distinguish between the sudden on-flood of Steves in the blog.

So anyways, for some horrible reason I have physics homework. How evil is that? It is moments like this in which a proper profane word simply escapes me. They should just trust the fact that I know that things fall up if you are in China.

On a different note:
Why is my job so boring? Why can’t I be something exciting, like a Burger King employee. Though Aaron claims you can only work in McDs. with a BS. in chemistry. And that you need a PhD. for Burger King - at least. I still haven’t figured out his logic behind that.

Sooooo boring, one hour left.

More of you need to come visit me here, or you will die a horrible death and later donated for dog food. So far, the list of people that will be spared when the revolution comes:

Nick and Chad - for bringing me Chipotle, and a special thanks to Nick for keeping me company while I shelve.
Jen, Ramya and Court - of coming to entertain me here
Aaron - also for bringing food and visiting
Mark - for waiting for me after work and visiting me a whole lot during boring break hours.
Stephan - for picking me up in the big yellow cheese and for keeping me amused on the phone
Steve - for visiting me on Saturday of all days (the most boring day of all here) and alluding to Futurama possession on his person
Diana - for entertaining me on AIM as I write this
And last but not least... Fine folks at pita.com for providing me with this wonderful waste of time.
The rest of you, flood here, in ones, in twos, in flocks. Run to the library to catch the one and only Susie - entertain me damn it, library is NOT a fun job.

Coming to a circulation desk near you Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Thursday, January 30, 2003

10:15 p.m.

b>Food for Thought…

Rather than explaing how I've felt all week, the fine writers of Labyrinth do it for me.... I can't explain it better. Semester started too early, I've not gotten enough sleep yet... Makes me not a happy person. Should just chill and be serene again. Screw phyics for now, I actually know this crap already so I can slack. Going to sleep so I can be rested and not explode at shit any more.


Thought of the day: I take life too seriously, I should chill out.
2nd thought of the day: Paying bills sucks ass.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Thursday, January 30, 2003

07:04 p.m.

Announcement: Do to fear of breaking student/TA relationships and cause he is now in charge of my BCHM lab grade, I cannot write all the dirt about Steve until he has submitted my final grade and has no power over me. Since Steve got confused thinking he was being mispelled as Stephan and not remembering doing any of the crap listed below that I did with Stephan. And cause Stephan is mentioned a lot and Steve not once, I have to end this mass confusion and injustice. Steve DOES NOT equal Stephan and now you Steve, are metioned as well. Here you are, now you are famous, enjoy seeing your name in print. And not even on the FBI's Most Wanted!

Also am very amused that people read this crap.

Anyways, I should do my physics homework, but due to the fact that a spontaneous dinner with an old friend who was missing in action sounds better, I have a feeling it will be a late night full of integrals and vectors... Lucky me...

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Tuesday, January 28, 2003

10:30 p.m.

First of, a rant on things that have nothing to do with school:
Again I find out that people do shit that is beyond fucked up, amazing. Amazing how shit like that gets to me – not cause of the people involved, I can assure everyone that as far as I am aware, it has nothing to do with any jealousy or residual feelings, but just the icy feel of being stabbed in the back when someone you thought was your friend at one point goes and does shit involving people from your past that she knows will hurt you. If it was something that happened on it’s own, I wouldn’t care, but the fact that she felt the need to ensure it happening hurts me a lot more just out of principle. Cause I know I wouldn’t ever do it to anyone.

And the only reason this person did this is due to their own insecurities and distrtrust in her own relationship.

Now first day of classes:
My classes seemed awful this semester, and when they do that on the first day of class it’s awfully discouraging. However, BHCM II seems like it’s going to be very interesting thought a lot of work. BHCM I was surprisingly easy, however II is all about metabolism and different biochemical reactions, which happen to be just what I want to study (particularly pharmaceutical and endocrine biochemistry). But I can already see it being tremendously harder then the first course. Eventually I will probably take BHCM III if I have room thought I already have my capstone. I realize this statement is irrational due to the fact that all biochemistry is essentially nucleic acid chemistry, however genetics has been the most boring and confusing part of science for me and I don’t know if I will want to deal with a whole semester of it (which is what BHCM III entails)
BCHM lab seems like it will be tedious, I still have fucken nightmares about USUHS and I swore when I left there I was never going to do another PCR reaction again or run another gel, but alas, gods prove me wrong. Lets see if I remember any of it, it has been 5 years I believe since I worked there. Man, now I feel old!
English will suck, don’t try to tell me different cause I don’t see it being fun in any way, even if I get to eat ice-cream and lay on the beach while I take it, I would still hate it. (good attitude I have, eh?)
395 made attendance mandatory, which is evil, and thought the professor is super nice and there is Kimmy in my class who I love to death but never get to see cause Ruby Tuesdays owns her soul. But I just don’t want to be in the class cause about 90% of the people in it suck, and I don’t want to see them. Chem. majors in general suck at this school, the undergraduate ones at least, I can’t say anything else about the awesome people I work with who are grad students. Chem. Majors as a whole, except for a select few I could live happily and never see any of these people again. Perhaps I suck too, and I just don’t know it. I know it’s an odd prejudice to have, yet I know Aaron shared it with me since days of 143. Ands it’s not particularly anyone personal for the most part. A lot of them just seem to have no dimension as people. Very cookie cutter and not have a good variety. And a large portion of them has no imagination what so ever, and that bothers me the most cause I get grouped into their category just for being in the same discipline. I don’t want anyone to take offence to this because if you are reading this, you probably don’t suck cause you have my SN. In fact if I ever chat with you, I probably don’t group you in that category. I am very good at not talking to people I hate and ignoring their existence. I find it amusing that it comes as a shock to my friends.

Damn I wrote a lot of garbage. Doesn’t anyone actually read this crap? Let me know.

On a happier note, I found my Courtney who has been missing in action all break, and I talked to Jess recently, which is awesome. She was such a close person to me that it actually feels like a small part of my heart is missing when she is all the way in fucken Arizona. Some other people I feel very close to may move away as well which is sad. Grrr…. People need to stay put damn it. Well, time to go watch Family Guy, cause I can.

Tomorrow is more school. And tomorrow I get to start my 18-6 trials and monobenzo 18-6 trials if the CCl4 has come in. Last piece of data I need before I start writing. Very nervous. Went to an article review for one of the grad students in the group today, and I thought it was perfect but people still found grammar and spelling errors of an hour’s worth, I am terrified of the day the peer edit mine. Cause I have no mechanical writing skills

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Wednesday, January 22, 2003

11:10 p.m.

I am so bad at updating these things. What to say? Went to Florida and reinforced the fact that I hate flying. There was so much turbulence and they wouldn’t let me get up to go pee, and worst of all, I was on the way to New Jersey. So I was sitting there thinking, I am going to die pissing my self and on my way to NJ. Awful. Yes, Continental takes you to NJ in order to fly you to Florida, proves my point – nothing sane ever came out of jersey ;-)

I have my schedule all neurotically made up and planned out including work and lab in a nice .doc format, e-mail me if you think you deserve a copy.

Ooooo… Best line EVER! “I am going to quit smoking and start chewing tobacco, give the lungs a break, make the gums earn their keep.” Jack from Just Shoot Me

Wow, that was a random line.

It’s amazing how many things happen and you just want to keep them inside. Like Snufkin said in “Moomintroll and the Comet” “I don’t talk about my adventures cause once you tell it, then you only remember the story you told and not the experience.”. I guess that’s how I feel.

I am going to go watch some Futurama and Family Guy and clean my room a bit, I am getting very OCD with this cleaning thing, I think Lisa is contagious.

Hope everyone had a good week.

Thanks to Jen the army chicks want Stephan.

I also found out something today that really hurt my feelings, and no, I don't want to talk about it

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Wednesday, January 8, 2003

07:36 p.m.

My mom was in the hospital again Monday, with chest pains and pressure. But they said she is fine now. I can only pray. I don’t really want to talk about it much more cause I will just get upset. All that matters is she is fine for now. Spent 12 hrs in ER with her and didn’t eat anything for 3 days cause I was so stressed. I lost 15 lb. I am sure I will gain it back though, but does make me nice and vapid.

Though I wish I were like normal people and over-eat when I was upset. Cause having caloric intake drop to a 100 has a much bigger toll on your body than increasing it and just making extra adipose tissue.

Also big thanks to Stephen and Jen for coming over and being with me, and Stephen – thanks for spending the night, I needed that. Being at the ER made me think about being a doctor. Cause I can’t watch people be in pain, and I just don’t want to be so helpless if my loved ones are hurt.

On the other hand, having learned to crudely read EKGs in Mammalian Physiology, it’s definitely more depressing to walk past people’s heart monitors and see that they are basically dying cause their heart is fibrillating, or that they have a 3rd degree block. However, it was nice to calm my mom down telling her how an anticoagulation shot prevents a heart attack and why a nitro patch drops her blood pressure. I just want my mommy to be well, I would do anything to make sure she lived to see grandkids and me get my PhD. ( I will get one damn it !)

I talked to Lisa all night last night, she is so wonderful, next to my mom, she is the closest family to me, and she isn’t even blood family, but if she was ever sick, I would be at her side just like at my mother’s side cause she is just one of the most amazing people I know. And I can’t wait to go see her in Fl, I could care less about Fl or the beach, if Lisa were in Alaska I would still fly there. (Though I kind of always did want to go to Alaska)

Actually, the insane thought of the last two years was still to get into some kind of Arctic or Antarctic research. My grandpa was at the north pole many many times cause he works for the Polar Institute of St. Petersburg and got to be an explorer and take pictured with polar bears, and my grandma is the lady that invented the polymer that they coat ships that go into icy waters with. Cause normal paint shrinks and chips. So chemistry and Polar Regions are in my blood. Yes, that was a bad bad pun.

Well, time to close up and go get food with Patti, cause she is awesome and is giving me a ride home.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Saturday, January 4, 2003

10:06 p.m.

The trees become me into their darkness, as the glimpse of a passing satellite bleakly reminiscent of stars unable to break through the veil of clouds put up by the edge of technology that we trod up unaware how the twin bears stretch across the maroon sky.

When I was younger, I thought the sky was actually lower in St.Petersburg, now I know it’s lower cause back home I would be closer to what people have come to call heaven.

Why weren’t winter and the darkness so bitter back home when I watched the city frost over 8 month of the year? I miss the sticky roses on the icy windows and I miss the knee-deep snow and the 3 pm sunsets, gorgeous from the huge antique windows of my old room.

I miss my grandparents, they are all alone across the ocean in the cold graves. I miss my home and my piano and being 4 ft tall..

Though wherever I may be and no matter what happens, I know that one day I will be in the place in time where the purple lamp drips lazy rays on an old oak table and my mom’s hair is dark and flowing and I can smell the summer coming to an end and I am not sad.


Joseph Brodsky

About a year has passed. I've returned to the place of the battle, to its birds that have learned their unfolding of wings
from a subtle
lift of a surprised eyebrow, or perhaps from a razor blade
- wings, now the shade of early twilight, now of state
bad blood.

Now the place is abuzz with trading
in your ankles's remanants, bronzes
of sunburnt breastplates, dying laughter, bruises,
rumors of fresh reserves, memories of high treason,
laundered banners with imprints of the manyMbr> who since have risen.

All's overgrown with people. A ruin's a rather stubborn
architectural style. And the hearts's distinction
from a pitch-black cavern
isn't that great; not great enough to fear
that we may collide again like blind eggs somewhere.

At sunrise, when nobody stares at one's face, I often,
set out on foot to a monument cast in molten
lengthy bad dreams. And it says on the plinth "commander
in chief." But it reads "in grief," or "in brief,"
or "in going under."

1985, translated by the author.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Saturday, January 4, 2003

02:16 p.m.

Oh god of gods, my teeth! What have I done to deserve this alien life form growing in my mouth?

No oral surgeons are working Saturday and it’s going to cost 2500$ to get them out. WAAA!

Anyone who hates me, wanna go at it and cut my jaw and knock out some teeth? WAHHH!

What should I do? Anyone have any home remedies?

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Friday, January 3, 2003

03:54 p.m.

I'll tell you what I want, what I really really want, if anyone one wants to get me a present and has 100$ to spare!

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Friday, January 3, 2003

03:25 p.m.

Yes, I know, all my dates are really off cause the clock in my computer keeps resetting it self. Please let me know if you know how to fix it, cause the dates and the time keep switching around. It's Windows 98

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Saturday, January 3, 2004

03:15 p.m.

First off, Happy b-day Aimee and Krissy!

So I was feeling so crappy this morning. I think I am going crazy, I am all dizzy and my ears keep ringing. And I was crying for no reason. Either I am getting sick or I am getting mental. Either way – not a pretty picture. I don’t wanna be crazy, granted – it would be an excuse to be very evil, but crazy people never get laid…. Well, actually… Look at Fight Club… they totally do. So maybe going mental is not so bad.

I am also just worried about my mom cause she isn’t feeling well.

On a happier note one of my old friends is going to come and spend the night today, which is cool cause we get to be all high school- like and gossipy. This girl was my best friend in high school, and it’s so nice to have her back in my life. We just sorta drifted apart senior year, but she goes to UMCP now, so it’s cool and I get to see her a lot.

I also talked to my Mark today, cause he is nice and furry and cuddly even if he does own a billion knifes and scares small children, I like him this way. Everyone should have a Mark to cheer them up.

We also discovered our fathers are both very Jewish and similar looking. Anyways, I am going to plan stalking him on campus soon. Cause I am in dire need of Mark hugs.

OK, on a sadder note: Project Clean Room is failing miserably cause well, it’s not a fun job and I need Steve to tell me what to do. Or I can’t part with anything. Fine, he was right; I am not a true minimalist. In fact, I think I am bit of a pack rat.

Steve: “Why do you have this broken yo-yo?”
Me: “An ex gave it to me and it wasn’t broken”
Steve: “Pack rat!”
Me: “No I am not!”
Steve: “When you won’t mind if I throw this out?”
So yeah, he is right…..*longingly looks at stuff packed in boxes* On that note, I should go clean, or Svetlana will have nowhere to sleep tonight.

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Friday, January 2, 2004

10:49 p.m.

Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?

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as if we didn't know

What Lord of the Rings Male and Mood Do You Desire?

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Again, as we don't already know

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Friday, January 2, 2004

09:57 p.m.

First, I would like to say that Jen is a home wrecker, and Steve smells like bourbon and beans!

Now, that I got that out of my system, I went swimming today with Steve and it was awesome cause no one else was in the pool and it was very Gattica, so we got to be as loud and obnoxious as we want. He doesn’t float, at all. Damn lean bastard, my frontal appendages are enough to keep me afloat anywhere, perhaps I should dive with lead on.

I also got some very pretty and cheap clothes today, so I can be more girly. Jen and Steve said I was not girly enough, so maybe I should be, the problem is, I really hate overly prissy things, and I never have enough patience to do my hair and such, so I need to work on that a bit. On that note, any ideas on what I should do with my hair? Steve says its too long and 80s looking right now cause of bangs, I like it, but he is right, I have same hair I had when I was 13, and Jen suggested highlights, but I spent such a huge chunk of my young adult life messing around with my hair and dying different colors and such that I really like the fact that its long and natural now.

Hrm, I did just spend a paragraph talking about my hair…

I think tomorrow I am going to clean my room cause the dust makes Steve allergic and also hard for him to snoop through my stuff. And yes, it is filthy.

Yes, I realize, the three of us are such butt-buddies, and I think I spent like every day this week with either Jen or Steve or both, but its so nice to be able to hang with friends and just do nothing, I needed that so bad after the semester when I barely got to see anyone. Tomorrow I am having dinner with another friends I haven’t seen a lot, which is also very nice, I thought I wouldn’t know what to do with all this free time I have not being in school or working too much this break, but it’s such a nice change to catch up with people and be around my friends. I really haven’t felt so connected with people in a long time as I do with the friends I have now. Esp. Jen and Steve, love ya guys!

I think I was always so worried about school and money and other pressing issues that I have forgotten how nice it is to just sit back and have fun.

I am actually going to go clubbing soon too, which would be nice if I can promise I won’t whine the entire time. But I don’t see why, cause I haven’t been dancing in ages, and I just bought a pretty lacy club-top and I need an excuse to wear it, and what is better than to wear pretty things to a club full of gay guys who appreciate the effort you put into being pretty.

On another note, I am obsessed with buying a lab top next semester. If I pull off straight As, I am buying one. I am a little bit worried cause I am taking a pretty hard semester, and I am mainly worried about physics. Not worried about biochem. II since I did very well this semester in biochem I, and I am not too worried about the biochem. lab cause I have done a lot of this type of stuff when I worked in USUHS, but I am worried about English cause it’s technical writing and I am much better at free-lance and literature essays, and I worried about physics, in fact, did I mention I am worried about physics?

I have a feeling I will be terrorizing Nick and his office mates quite a bit next semester. Even if just to whine and try to figure out why perfectly nice people would choose to do graduate work in physics :-P.

I just put my self in a bad mood with all that physics thinking….

I am going to go terrorize my 5th floor family for left over cake now.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Thursday, January 1, 2004

11:38 p.m.

I finally understand when in the old books they would say "Many never made it through the winter". This winter has been the roughest one so far, everyone I know, I mean, EVERYONE – has broken up. Like there is the Singles in the air. It’s always so weird how it happens at the same time. When you hear of one couple breaking up, you hear of 5 more later that day.

Also, everyone has been sick. I have had a sore throat for the past week and headaches and muscle aches like crazy. Likely just a flu that my body is dealing with without a fever cause I had a flu shot. Yes, I know, I am a hypocondriac, all because I read too much honestly, the only cure I can think of is I just keep reading and trying to educate my self even more so I DON’T get freaked out too quickly by a runny nose.

It’s also my wisdom teeth, they hurt sooooo badly, and I think 90% of all my icky feelings this past month have been them. Little swollen impacted bastards!(No Steven, that’s not a hypochondriac’s guess – I have an x-ray of that :-p )

On the other hand, today has been so very fun. Got yummy food with my two of some of my favorite people in the universe – Jen and Steve, and later went to Jen’s and watched LotR with all the extra scenes. I do have to say- I am glad I saw this version, but I think as a whole finished project – its better the way it was shown, just cause some of the uber-detailed scenes have a very soap opera like quality to it. Like tooooo much detail, and I think it’s safe to say that if you actually care about such details as why Legolas and Gimili and get all buddy- buddy after the visit to the Lady of the Woods, than you are a hard core LotR fan, and if you are – you probably already know the answer, so no need for it to be in the movie. But, I am a minimalist and I like movies that leave much to be investigated.

And yes, it is damn 4 hrs long, but when you get to spend it with a Latino Catholic Hoe and a Cajun Queer Pimp – it’s all good fun.

As always – everyone in that movie is so very fuckble.
Mmm..Mmmm…. Something about men with medieval weaponry is so erotic…..

On this note – I saw this amazing movie today I watched when I was a kid in Russia, on AMC – it was called Flesh and Blood, and it was awesome cause Agnes is just like Ariel the Alter Ego, and I am starting to realized what has shaped her character so much. Cause I saw this when I was around 10. I think it’s one of those movies that most people would hate and I happen to adore, which happened with Dragon Heart as well. (Yes, I did see it 7 times in the theater – and no, I never met another person that loves that movie). But again, I must add – medieval weaponry, lots of gorgeous people and a surprisingly good plot to boot, who could complain?

Well, maybe many people that have problems with violence and nudity, but if you do I am a probably not friend with you, so you are not reading this.

Now I believe it’s time to crawl into my bed and read all the new Harry Potter companion stuff my cousin got me. (YAY!)

Happy New Year everyone.

Comments? Questions? Drop me one!

Wednesday, December 31, 2003

10:25 p.m.


I just wrote a whole lot and closed the page! *grunts*

I assure you though,it was funny, and Merle, a crystal goat is seen here

it's like the nacklace I wore this fall of the crecent moon. The one I used to keep me awake in BCHM

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Wednesday, December 31, 2003

07:06 p.m.

Wow! OK, I am done messing with the HTML for now, I am feeling pretty silly, apperantly my skills in this area need heavy improving. However I did manaje to get rid of the annoying baby blue with little pink blocks and lines look.

Ha! Moi mama insisted we go out and buy a “token goat” being that apperantly it’s a year of the goat and New Year is such a big deal in Russia that its basically just like Xmas here. I mean, we meet with family and exchange gifts.

So apperantly it’s very hard looking for a goat. Cause though most toy stores are adorned with everything from stuffed fish to sea monkeys, a goat is not a popular toy.

After 2 hrs we are proud owners of a Swarowsky Crystal Zodiac Goat.

Today I also realized that I no matter how hard I try, I take after my mother. Oddness-wise at least.

I am still confused when exactly I am suppose to wear my glasses. Does reading a computer monitor count? Cause like….Prizm glasses make the computer look like a fishbowl….

Well, enough procrastinating, time to clean my room….


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